Wow! I can't believe what I read in the news today! Are you seriously going to build a ballroom in the White House? A fucking ballroom!? What, so people are going to start prancing around in the House of the Brave and Free like fay ballerinas? Or masquerading in freakish costumes like those perverted drag queen storytellers? If you hadn't just aced your cognitive test, I’d fear that old age finally addled that brilliant mind of yours. This is totally not like you!
I shouldn't even have to tell you this, Mr. President, but you know what needs to be put in the East Room: a wrestling ring! I mean, what could possibly sound more presidential than “Let's get ready to rumble!!!”? It would send a clear message to the rest of the world: Trump’s America is no one to fuck around with. Seriously, think of the possibilities! Pay-per-view sales would be insane, foreign dignitaries and big money donors would be awed into submission (haha, see what I did there?) witnessing the raw power and sheer athleticism of the most noble of American sports, and it could even be used for diplomacy … want to end the war in Ukraine? Just throw Zelensky and Putin in the ring, make it one of those old school steel cage matches! Just imagine, this could be you!
Anyway, if I'm going to go to sleep tonight, I'm just going to assume this ballroom bullshit is one of your famous jokes. I actually grew up on wrestling. Rowdy Roddy Piper, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Ric Flair, Andre the Giant, Jake the Snake, and of course you know Hulk Hogan personally … They were my childhood heroes! I can't count how many times I and my classmates almost got hospitalized during recess, trying out those crazy moves. In fact, I think my dad even once took his Camaro to Rowdy Roddy Piper's auto body shop.
At least that triumphant arch idea of yours is pretty solid. Except you and I both know that it should be you on top of that thing instead of Lady Liberty (who looks like she should be pushing a shopping cart and sleeping on a New York subway) … though if she had the body of Leavitt and wore a bikini, I’d have a hellaciously hard time choosing between the two.
Oops! I forgot to include a screenshot of the actual form submission field on the White House contact site.
