Hello, President Trump. It's me again, Jeff. It just occurred to me that instead of being a belligerent asshole to a belligerent asshole, I’ll start writing to you daily as an acquaintance. It'll be fun! At least it should be more fun than listening to me rant and rave like some far-left wingnut, right?
Without further ado … How's things? Are your nefarious Project 2025 machinations proceeding to your satisfaction? How's that pussy grabbing going, or has the enormous workload of your second presidency forced you to give that up? I must admit, I'm a little jealous that you're surrounded by such bodacious babes. Yes, I said “bodacious”— haha, my best friend calls me her favorite valley girl for a reason.
As for me, I'm pretty damn tired. I'm on day five of having quit tobacco, alcohol, and marijuana (all at once!), so my withdrawals have been fiercer than I anticipated. Of course, those damn helicopters of yours last night didn't help, but I suppose you have to waste a little taxpayer money in order to Make America Great Again? I'm still wondering why they were flying overhead when I live about three and a half miles away from the ICE detention facility in South Portland. But, hey, what do I know? I'm just another schmuck bereft of grandiose ambitions; all I want to do is overcome my addictions, figure out a way to deal gracefully with my insufferable fellow primates, and enjoy life … and maybe grab a little pussy of my own every now and then.
Anyhoo, I'm going to try to take a nap now. It's not the easiest thing to do in the back of a truck on the border of an industrial neighborhood, but I'll give it a shot. After all, those damn helicopters will probably be back for at least a couple hours before midnight. If I can catch up at least somewhat on my sleep tonight, I may be able to attend two (recovery) meetings tomorrow to make up for the one I skipped out on today. Say hi to Noem and Leavitt for me; I try very hard not to think about them too much, as I'm sure you understand.
